Best (Vegetarian) Fajitas On The Goddamn Planet

I'm not usually too outspoken about being vegetarian. I usually let my cooking speak for itself. This is one dish that makes that easy. Next time you need to slap some red-meat-lovin'-good-ol-boy back down to earth for harassing you about vegetarian food, I suggest you make these fajitas. I've made this for the sort of people who wouldn't go near a vegan cafe unless there was a gun store next door to nothing but rave reviews. These fajitas are basically bragging in food form. 

Shopping hint: for the seitan, there are a lot of different types out there. Go with traditional flavored (not barbecue, bacon, chorizo, or any other varieties that are now available). And there are also different types of "cuts" also now out there; just go with the plain old chunky stuff (if that's unavailable, strips will work).

Prep time: 1 1/2 cocktails

¼ cup canola or corn oil

16-ounces seitan, torn up into bite-sized pieces

7 cloves garlic, minced

1 large onion cut into 1/4 –inch disks, so that you end up with lots of onion “rings”

3 medium (or 2 large) bell pepper, any color, cut into ¼”-inch strips

2 tsp chili powder

1 TBSP + 1 tsp cumin

½ tsp black pepper

1 tsp red chili flakes (or more if you like it spicy)

¼ cup soy sauce

Juice of 1 small lime (optional)

Homemade guacamole

Flour tortillas

Sour cream

Grated cheese, hot sauce, salsa, chopped cilantro, lime wedges (all are optional)

Beer (not optional!)

Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a very large frying pan or wok. When hot, add seitan, garlic, onions, bell pepper, chili powder, cumin, black pepper, and chili flakes. Sauté for 7 minutes, stirring frequently.

Add Braggs and lime (if using) and continue to sauté, stirring frequently. Cook until the onions and peppers have become completely soft—this could take up to 15 more minutes. If the veggie/seitan mixture begins to stick to the bottom add a tablespoon or two of water and continue cooking. Taste and add salt, if needed.

Authentic Jungle Curry (Kaeng Pa)

Jungle curry is a primitive dish that comes from the remote regions of Thailand. It is a blindingly hot dish that was traditionally made with bush meat and whatever other ingredients were on hand. Today, it remains a popular dish in Thailand, and although it is still an incredibly spicy dish, the random jungle meats have been largely replaced by duck or pork (I use seitan). The reason for the severe hotness of the dish is twofold: first, hotness was often used to mask sometimes dubious meats or vegetables used, and second, there is no coconut milk used to add sweetness and creaminess to absorb the heat. This is a watery curry—almost a stew. This is an adventurous dish.

Shopping hints: for the seitan, there are a lot of different types out there. Go with traditional flavored (not barbecue, bacon, chorizo, or any other varieties that are now available). And there are also strips or other "cuts" also now out there; just go with the plain old chunky stuff. Also, there's some unusual ingredients here, such as karachi, galangal, kaffir lime leaves, Thai basil, and lemongrass. All these are available at most Asian grocers. 

Prep time: 2 cocktails

For the paste:

1-3 habenero peppers, stems removed and halved (amount should vary depending on your tolerance--I use 5 peppers)

4 fingers of krachai, chopped

1 stalk lemongrass, chopped

¼ cup shallot, chopped

4-5 cloves garlic

2 TBSP galangal, chopped

Pinch white pepper

1 Anaheim pepper chopped

For the curry:

3 TBSP peanut oil, divided

1 8-ounce package seitan, torn into thin strips

3 cups veggie stock

2-3 TBSP fish sauce

3 Anaheim peppers, chopped

2-3 cups mixed vegetables (can include broccoli, bamboo shoots, zucchini, carrot, cabbage, eggplant, etc.)

2 TBSP drained green peppercorns, out of a jar (available by capers and other condiments at the store)

4 kaffir lime leaves, shredded

5 fingers of krachai, chopped finely

1 large tomato, sliced

Handful Thai basil (tear largest leaves in half)

Prepared forbidden black rice, sticky rice, or sticky noodles

Prepare the paste by combining all the paste ingredients in food processor, spice grinder, or mortar and pestle. Process until you have a smooth paste.

Heat 2 TBSP of the oil over medium-high heat. When hot, add seitan. Sauté, stirring occasionally, until it begins to get a bit browned and crispy on the exterior. Remove from heat and set aside.

With your burner on medium, heat the remaining 1 TBSP of the oil in a large wok or pan. When hot, add 1/3 cup of the paste (save the rest of the paste for another use). Stir constantly for 90 seconds. Add stock and fish sauce. Bring to a boil and then add Anaheim peppers, vegetables (but NOT the tomato), peppercorns, lime leaves, and krachai. Stir frequently for a couple minutes until veggies becomes a bit tender.

Stir in tomato and Thai basil remove from heat. Let sit for a minute or two then add Seitan and serve over warm rice.

Faux Jamaican Jerk Chicken Sandwiches

This sandwich is great hot or cold, in summer or winter and whether you’re looking to eat light or if you have the appetite of a linebacker. For a less exotic (but still pretty delicious) recipe, you can omit the fruit altogether and substitute a couple slices of jack cheese and use blue cheese dressing instead of lime-poppy seed dressing. 

Recipe makes 6-8 sandwiches

Prep time: 1 cocktail

6 TBSP olive or vegetable oil

1 medium onion, sliced into thin rings or half rings

1-2 bell peppers, sliced into thin strips (color doesn’t matter)

2 8-ounce packages seitan, unflavored/traditional, rinsed and patted dry

10 cloves garlic, minced

2/3 cup jerk paste (or to taste) (click here for recipe)

2 TBSP soy sauce

1 tsp cayenne (or more to taste), optional

¼ cup plain, full-fat yogurt

Hoagie or Kaiser bread

2 mango, peeled and cut into silver-dollar-sized hunks or strips (or chunks of pineapple)

A batch of ime-poppy seed dressing (click here for recipe)

Add half the oil to pan on medium high heat. As the oil warms up, break the seitan into bite-size chunks, if necessary. Toss in the seitan in the hot pan and saute until the outside gets a bit browned and crispy on the edges, about 6 minutes. Then, transfer to some paper towels and pat excess oil off. Let cool. 

While seitan cooks (or while it cools), heat the remaining oil in another frying pan. Add onion and bell pepper. Sauté until onion becomes translucent and pepper softens, about 7-10 minutes. Add garlic and sauté another 3 minutes. Add jerk, soy sauce, and cayenne. Sauté another couple minutes. Stir in yogurt and simmer another minute. Remove from heat and stir in seitan.

Salt seitan/veggie mixture to taste. If you’re having the sandwich hot, lightly toast the bun or bread. Make sandwiches with a heap of the veggie/seitan mixture, a few pieces of mango, and a healthy drizzle of lime poppy seed sauce.