Want to Be Rich and Famous? Make This Fattoush.

If you'd like to be famous in life, make this Middle-Eastern salad next time you have company over. By then end of the first course, your guests will be falling all over themselves to compliment you. They'll be live-tweeting their meal. They'll call their loved ones to rave about the meal they're having. It will go viral. Paparazzi will start following you. The President will call you for advice in matters of great national importance. Sexy young underwear models will throw themselves at your feet when they realize that you're the Fattoush guy. Your whole life will change. That's the power of this salad. You've been warned.

If you forget to leave the pita out overnight, you can pan-fry it. Heat a frying pan with vegetable oil over medium heat. Fry the pita until nice and golden brown but not burned. Pat off excess oil, allow to cool, and use as you would the day-old stuff.

Also, this is a salad that must be served fresh. It won’t keep for even a few hours, let alone overnight. So if you don’t think you’ll eat enough of it fresh after making, then cut the recipe in half.

Prep time: 1 cocktail

1/2 cup high quality, first cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil

Juice of 2 lemons

1 large clove garlic, minced

1 teaspoon salt

3-4 pieces pita bread, left out to dry overnight, torn into small pieces

1 small head romaine lettuce, cut into shreds

1 cucumber, quartered lengthwise, then sliced thinly

1 pound plum, cherry, or garden heirloom tomatoes chopped

4 scallions, chopped

2 TBSP dried ground sumac

½ cup chopped Italian flat-leaf parsley

¼ cup chopped fresh mint

3 ounces crumbled feta (optional, but highly recommended)

1 medium diced orange bell pepper or a handful of sliced radishes (optional)

½ cup Kalamata olives, pitted and coarsely chopped (optional)

Prepare the dressing by combining olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, and salt in a small bowl. Whisk well and set aside for a few minutes.

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Top with dressing and mix well. Serve right away. 

Homemade Pita Bread

Fresh, homemade pita is infinitely better than the dry, tasteless garbage at the grocery store. So stop wasting your money! And simple to prepare in the background as you assemble other awesomeness for dinner.

Note that you can vary the ratio of whole wheat and white flour. You can make this recipe using up to 100 percent whole wheat flour or up to 100 white. Just adjust the liquid accordingly.

Prep time: 3 cocktails

3 cups flour (I typically use 50/50 whole wheat to white)

1.5 tsp salt

1 TBSP sugar

1 packet yeast (or 2 tsp)

1.25 cups warm water

¼ cup olive oil

Combine all the dry ingredients and mix well. Then stir in water and oil and stir everything well, until the dough forms a ball. Add a couple TBSP of water if the ball is too dry to absorb all the flour.

Knead the dough by hand or with mixer for 10 minutes.

Place the dough in a mixing bowl that has been brushed with oil. Cover with a damp towel and let rise at room temperature for 90 minutes, or until the ball doubles in size.

After dough has spent 30 minutes rising, preheat oven to 500 (or as high as the bake setting will go) with a pizza stone or non-glazed terra cotta tiles inside. If you have neither, a cast-iron frying pan in the middle rack will suffice.  

Punch down the ball and divide the dough into 8 balls. Cover with a damp rag or plastic and allow to sit for 20 minutes. Roll each ball out with a rolling pin on a floured surface until they are about ¼ inch thick (or even a little less) and about 6-7” in diameter. Let sit uncovered an additional 10 minutes.

When ready, place the pitas directly into the pizza stone and cook for about 3-4 minutes. Serve warm.

Poor Man's Red Pepper Hummus

So as a purist, I used to scoff at people who advocated using peanut butter in hummus as a cost-cutting work-around of having to use tahini. Mostly, I saw these people as an inferior class who deserved little more than spiteful disregard.

Then I became one of them.

I was at a friend's house making some hummus and they didn't have tahini. After I was done with my too-loud passive-aggressive sighs and eyerolls, I finally gave in and used peanut butter and threw in a roasted bell pepper to liven things up. Turns out the peanut butter and bell pepper compliment each other magically and the hummus was among the best I've ever had. From proud purist to hummus heretic, I've fallen from my pedestal. And it couldn't be more delicious down here.

Prep time: 1 cocktail

1 large red bell pepper
15 ounce can garbanzo beans, drained
2 TBSP peanut butter
1 clove garlic, chopped
Juice of 1 lemon
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup good olive oil
2 TBSP water
Fresh ground black pepper

Preheat your oven to broil. Poke holes in the pepper with a fork and set it directly on the oven rack. Cook until the top gets totally charred, then rotate with the tongs so a non-burned side is facing up. repeat until the entire pepper is well-blackened. remove the pepper from the oven and place in a small paper bag. Seal the top of the paper bag well and let cool 15 minutes. When it's cool, take the pepper under cool running water and remove the charred skin from the flesh with your hands. Also remove the top, seeds, and innards. Discard everything but the flesh.

Combine the red bell pepper flesh and all the other ingredients in a food processor and puree super well.

Optional garnishes include additional olive oil, paprika, and minced parsley.

Tzatziki

This dip is versatile and is great with many foods. It's a great for chips or pita, is awesome with most Middle Eastern foods, and solves conflict between Israelis and Palestinians. Yeah, it's that good.

If you can't find Greek yogurt, you can make your own. Buy a tub of plain, full fat or lowfat yogurt (fuck that fat-free shit--tastes like donkey dick). Now, take a large strainer or colander and line the inside with triple-layered cheesecloth. Pour the yogurt into the cheesecloth and place the whole thing in the fridge above a large bowl or other dish to catch the drippings. In 12 hours, it's ready. Remove from fridge and discard drippings. The Greek yogurt in the cheesecloth is ready to use.

Prep time: 1/2 cocktail

2 tablespoons olive oil

Juice of ½ large lemon

¼ tsp and pepper to taste

½ tsp salt (or more to taste)

8 ounces Greek yogurt 

1-2 tablespoon chopped fresh dill or fresh mint (or more to taste)

1 medium cucumber

1 clove garlic, minced

Grate the cucumber with a cheese grater and squeeze all the water out of it by wrapping it in cheesecloth and gently but firmly squeezing. After this, spread cucumber in a colander and toss it with some salt. Let is stand in the sink for 20 minutes. The salt will draw out any remaining moisture.

While cucumber drips out, process everything except the cucumber and garlic very well in food processor or blender. Transfer this mixture to a bowl.

Now combine cucumber and garlic with yogurt mixture.

Finally, let the dip sit covered in the fridge a few hours or overnight before serving (it can be really bland at first).

Holy Dolmas!

Dolmas are the amazingly delicious stuffed grape leaves that you might recognize from Middle Eastern restaurants or the salad bar at your natural grocer. Making dolmas from scratch is a bit time-consuming compared with buying the canned variety, but the flavor is even better. Serving these with tzatziki dip or hummus will make you the hit of any party (read: you're not going home alone).

The grape leaves in this recipe can be purchased at any Middle East grocer and most large natural food stores. You can also use your own, if you happen to have grape vines nearby. Just blanch fresh leaves in boiling water for 2-3 minutes or until they soften up. And if you’re using canned leaves, be sure to rinse the brine off them before using.

You can use forbidden black, sushi, brown, or plain old white rice for this recipe. I like forbidden black because the high gluten helps everything stick together and it looks cool. 

Prep time: 2 cocktails

18 or so grape leaves

1 medium red onion, chopped fairly finely

1 cup olive oil, divided

1 cup prepared forbidden black rice

1/3 cup fresh mint, finely chopped

1/3 cup fresh Italian flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped

A small handful of fresh dill (finely chopped) or a few shakes dried dill (optional)

2 tsp salt

½ cup pine nuts, finely chopped (optional)

Juice of 2 lemons

Blanch grape leaves if you're using fresh; rinse if you're using canned. Set aside.

To prepare filling: In a large frying pan or wok, heat ¼ cup of the olive oil on medium heat. Sauté onion 6 minutes, stirring frequently. Add rice, mint, parsley, dill (if using), salt, and pine nuts and sauté one more minute, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

To fill each grape leave, place the smooth side DOWN. Add about 1-2 tsp rice mixture per leaf (though this will vary, depending on leaf size). Fold the leaf in half, then fold in sides. Then roll up like a burrito. Be sure you roll tightly, or else they’ll unwrap during cooking.

Arrange the dolmas in a single layer in big round pot or pan that has a snug-fitting lid. Top the dolmas with the remaining ¾ cup olive oil and lemon juice. Next, place a plate on top of dolmas so they don’t float away when you add water… but be careful not to crush them!

Now add BOILING water so it just covers the dolmas (if they’re not tightly packed, only submerge till they’re 2/3 covered).

Place the dolma pot on the stovetop and turn the heat to high. Bring the water to a boil, then put the lid on an reduce to simmer for 60 minutes or until liquid is absorbed.

Once liquid is all cooked off, remove from heat and allow to cool in pot (moving them while hot will break the leaves). Once cool, remove. Serve at room temp or slightly chilled. An extra sprinkle of salt and some lemon wedges are good accompaniments.

Unruly Tabbouleh!!

It's summertime and the garden is kicking tons of ass! What to do with all those tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, and herbs? Tabbouleh, obviously. This Middle Eastern salad is so damn good, it makes me want to move to Syria. Even now. 

This makes a pretty huge batch. You can always halve it if you wanna avoid a week of leftovers. 

Prep time: 1 cocktail (includes harvest time)

2 cups bulgur (or whole wheat couscous--both available in the bulk section any natural food store)

4 cups water

1 tsp salt

1 medium bunch Italian flat leaf parsley, chopped finely (no curly parsley!)

1 cucumber, chopped

½ cup green onion, chopped

6 tomatoes, chopped (you can certainly use many more tomatoes, if you like)

½ cup lemon juice

½ cup olive oil

1 clove garlic, minced

1.5 ounces mint (about 6 TBSP), chopped finely

Additional lemon, salt, and olive oil for topping

Boil water and add bulgur. Reduce heat to low and cook uncovered until all the water is absorbed, about 10 minutes. No need to stir. Add more water and cook longer if bulgur is still crunchy. 

Transfer to a large bowl and chill completely.

Once the bulgur or couscous is cold, combine all ingredients in a large bowl. When you serve it, top each portion with an additional drizzle of olive oil, a good squeeze of lemon and a nice pinch of salt.

Now kick back, pour a huge cocktail and enjoy your summer. 

Roasted Red Bell Pepper (or just plain) Hummus

Simple, fast, delicious. That's about all I need to say about this one. Eat heartily and often. 

Prep time: 1/4 cocktail

1 can garbanzo beans, drained

Juice of 1 lemon

¼ cup tahini

1 clove garlic (no more)

¼ cup Italian flat-leaf parsley

½ tsp salt (or more to taste)

2 TBSP green onions

4 TBSP olive oil

1 roasted red bell pepper, seeds and skin removed (optional)

Combine all ingredients in food processor. Puree until smooth. It may be necessary to add some water or additional olive oil to reach your desired consistency.

Adjust if there is too little lemon or salt. Serve chilled.

Alternate recipe:

Omit parsley, bell pepper and green onion. Replace with a couple pinches each allspice and cumin. And maybe a touch of sugar. Prepare the same way.