The most legit vegetarian BBQ you're ever gonna find. Really.

This is a bit of a labor of love that I've been working on for a while now. While I normally avoid vegetarian facsimiles of meaty meals, this is an exception. Even as a vegetarian for decades, I still occasionally miss the smoky goodness of a pulled pork sandwich or the tangy richness of a brisket slow cooked all night then finished with homemade bbq sauce. Developing a good, realistic-tasting BBQ sandwich has been on my to-do list for a long time. So long, in fact, that I 'test kitchened' this recipe extensively the last few months, making literally dozens of different variations, until I landed on this, the ideal vegetarian bbq sandwich. It is smoky, tangy, rich, satisfying. 

You can also probably use smoked seitan or smoked jackfruit instead of tofu, though I haven't developed a recipe for either of these yet. 

Note that I also use homemade BBQ sauce for this. Just about every store-bought sauce is too sugary and without adequate vinegary bite to make this recipe work. So I don't recommend you use any store-bought BBQ sauce. 

Finally, you'll need some way to smoke some of your ingredients. You can obviously use a standalone outdoor smoker. I actually use an indoor smoker: the Nordic Ware kettle smoker. Don't own a smoker? NO PROBLEM! The internet is loaded with different ways to make your own homemade version. Most of these require little more than a Dutch oven with a heavy lid, some aluminum foil, a steamer basket or strainer, and smoker wood chips (available online or at any gourmet store or retailer that sells grilling supplies). It's easy to make either an outdoor version or a stovetop version for smoking inside.

This makes about 6 'brisket' sandwiches.

Prep time: 3 cocktails

Tofu + Marinade
1 15-ounce brick of tofu
3 TBSP orange juice
3 TBSP Worcestershire sauce
2 TBSP soy sauce
3 TBSP red wine

Several dashes of MSG or dried mushroom powder (optional)

~1/2 cup smoked walnuts (optional, see note below)

The BBQ sauce

6 TBSP butter 

1 cup of my Bold Boulder BBQ Sauce

2 tsp brown sugar

2 tsp agave or honey

Fixings

Buns

Grated high-end white cheddar

Chopped scallions

Pickled red onions (you can use any basic online recipe)

Additional optional toppings: coleslaw, chopped pickles, fresh or pickled jalepeno, thinly sliced fresh cucumber or radish, fried shallots, avocado pieces, and/or caramelized onions.

Note on walnuts: I like to add smoked walnuts to this for two reasons: the walnuts absorb a lot of flavor when smoked, so they turbocharge the flavor of the sandwiches. The walnuts also have a texture that mimics meat a little bit when chopped up and combined with tofu. It's not exact, but it is a nice addition. Walnuts should be dry smoked (so you cannot smoke them with the tofu). I've found that 20-30 minutes is usually plenty of time in my kettle smoker, but results will vary. After smoked, transfer smoked nuts to a food processor and pulse a few times until you have mostly little pieces halfway between the size of Nerds candy pieces or a bit smaller (don't overmix, or else you risk making smoked walnut butter). Add the walnuts to the tofu after the tofu is done cooking on the stovetop in the BBQ sauce. The amount you use isn't super important, but I usually start with about 3/4 cups of whole walnuts, which breaks down to about 1/2 cup of crumbles in the food processor. 

Start the meal preparation by pressing the tofu for 1-2 hours in a tofu press or wrapped in a towel and placed under a heavy pan or books. After pressed, pat tofu dry and cut into 1" cubes. Now combine all the marinade ingredients EXCEPT the tofu and walnuts in a mixing bowl and whisk well. Combine tofu cubes and marinade in an airtight container and allow to marinade a minimum of 90 minutes and up to 24 hours, stirring gently occasionally.

Now smoke the tofu pieces. The method will vary depending on your smoker, so it may require some experimentation. For my Nordic Ware kettle smoker, I do a 60 minute "wet" smoke at 190F on the stovetop with hickory wood chips. The liquid I like to use for smoking is 2 cans of beer, which gives the tofu a bit of extra flavor. Allow to cool to room temperature after smoking. 

About now, you want to preheat your oven to 300F.

Once the tofu has cooled, you want to cut it into smaller pieces that are easier to eat. So slice each 1" cube into 4 thin square pats, about the size and shape of single-serve foil-wrapped butter squares that you might get at a catered event with your dinner roll. Set aside. (Note that you can also shred the tofu to make "pulled pork" style tofu here instead, if you'd like.)

Now make the sauce by melting the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Once melted, add the Bold Bolder BBQ sauce, sugar, and honey. Stir until everything gets hot and starts to simmer. Whisk it, or, ideally, use an immersion blender, until the sauce is fully integrated. Now add your cooled tofu pieces and stir very gently with a rubber spatula, so as to not break the tofu. Bring bbq sauce/tofu to a boil and remove from heat. Now stir in those walnut pieces, if using. 

Now build your sandwiches: take a standard size cookie sheet and line with foil. Put your ~6 bun bottoms on the pan and top with the bbq tofu mixture. Now top each sandwich with a couple generous pinches of white cheddar and place the pan uncovered in the oven (you can also put the bun tops in the oven to toast as well, if you want). 

Since tofu should already be warm, all you need to do is melt the cheese, so the sandwiches likely only need to be in the oven for a few minutes. Once the cheese is melted, remove, add the scallions, pickled onions, and any of the optional ingredients you might also be using. Affix the top bun and enjoy!

Divine Intervention Sapporo Ramen

Last night, we had a religious experience. My wife's eyes rolled back in her head and she started speaking in tongues. I started weeping out of a profound, unexpected joy. Even the dog made odd noises. Of course, we didn't find Jesus; I just made the most amazing ramen ever. The wife's expression happened to be "domo arigato gozimus" and my profound weeping was because I nailed the broth perfectly. And the dog turned out to just be gassy. So even though we didn't find eternal salvation, it turned out to be a pretty remarkable night, nevertheless.

This is a slight revision to Sapporo-style ramen. That ramen uses butter to add a richness to the broth. However, as a not-huge fan of butter, I opted for coconut milk instead. Also, since the broth is traditionally cooked with various animal bits to add umami, I make a few vegetarian-friendly tricks, like incorporating mushrooms, browning the miso, and adding some fermented black beans. The result is a perfect, harmonious balance of savory, rich, satisfying bowl of noodles and vegetables with just a touch of sweetness.

Note that you can get the needed Japanese ingredients at any Asian grocer, including kombu, wakame, hijiki, mirin, bonito flakes, fermented black bean paste, and buckwheat noodles.

Prep time: 3 cocktails

Egg marinade:
2 eggs
2-3 TBSP soy sauce
2-3 TBSP mirin (Japanese cooking wine)
1/2 cup water

Broth base:
2-inch square kombu or 3 TBSP wakame or hijiki
5 good-sized shiitake mushrooms
6 cups water
1 cup bonito flakes
1 tsp anchovy paste (optional)

Seasoning mix:
1 TBSP sesame seeds
2 tsp untoasted sesame oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
1" piece ginger, grated with microplane or finest side of a box grater
3 scallions, chopped
2 TBSP miso paste
2 TBSP fermented black bean paste
1/4 cup mirin or sake
2 TBSP soy sauce
1 cup coconut milk

Soup elements:
8 ounces dried buckwheat noodles
1/2-1 cup mung bean sprouts
1 bunch spinach, stems removed
1/2-1 cup frozen sweet corn
1 block tofu, chopped into 3/4" cubes (can be firm or silken/soft, depending on preference), optional

Optional garnishes: 
Bonito flakes, chopped scallions, and/or a drizzle of toasted sesame oil

A couple hours before you start the soup, you'll need to make the eggs, since the need to marinate. You want to medium-boil your eggs by gently dropping them in boiling water and reducing heat to a very low boil. Boil them for 7-8 minutes. Remove and place under cool running water and remove shells. Then combine the peeled eggs with the rest or the marinade ingredients in a small Tupperware container or zip-lock bag and put in the refrigerator.

Now make the broth by combining all the broth ingredients in a pressure cooker. With the lid off, bring to a boil but remove the kombu right before you boil or it will become slimy (if using hijiki or wakame, no need to remove). Once boiling, put the lid on it and bring up to normal pressure for your altitude for 10 minutes. Then remove from heat and let pressure drop completely. Remove lid and strain out mushrooms and any remaining seaweed.

While your broth is cooking, you can pre-prep the some of your soup elements. Cook the noodles according to the directions on package and cool them under running water and set aside. Bring a pot of water to a boil and blanch the bean sprouts for 1 minute and strain them out. In the same water, you can then blanch the spinach for 3-4 minutes and strain out. Let cool and then squeeze all the moisture out and chop it up coarsely. Finally, add the corn to the boiling water for a couple minutes, then drain and set aside (you can obviously make all these veggies in separate pots of water, if you would prefer).

Next, start on the seasoning mix. Heat a small frying pan over medium heat. When hot, add sesame seeds and toast for a couple minutes, stirring pretty frequently. When they are lightly toasted, transfer to an electric spice grinder and grind into a powder. Set aside.

Now in a large pot or dutch oven, heat the untoasted sesame oil over medium heat. Add garlic, ginger, and scallions and saute for 1-2 minutes. Now add miso and bean paste and stir constantly for a couple minutes. You want some of the paste to get browned stuck to the pan, but don't let anything fully burn. Next, deglaze the paste by adding the mirin/sake and sesame seed powder. Once everything is incorporated and the bits that were stuck to the pan are unstuck, add the soy sauce and coconut milk. Stir everything well and add the broth from the pressure cooker (after removing mushrooms and seaweed). Adjust seasoning if necessary by adding salt or soy sauce to taste. Add tofu cubes and bring to a low boil for a couple minutes. Then it's ready to serve!

In a bowl, combine your noodles, corn, spinach, sprouts, and tofu. Pour the broth over the top and slice your marinated eggs in half lengthwise and add a half an egg. Top with any of the additional garnishes of your choice and serve!

Burmese coconut noodles from Shan state

We just got home last week after 6 months of travel! It feels amazing to sleep in our own bed again!  We spent time in some remarkable spots in the western US, southern Mexico and Thailand. But the most memorable adventure we took was the 2+ weeks we spent in Myanmar. 

Myanmar (aka Burma) isn't as well known as some of its neighbors for food. Indeed, it kind of gets a bad reputation for greasy, bland noodles and little else. While we found this to often be the case in the south, the northeastern state of Shan had some of the most outstanding cuisine I've had anywhere. Shan is at a culinary crossroads with heavy influences from neighboring China and Southeast Asia, plus some uniquely local twists. The Shan food was so good, we each packed on a couple extra pounds during our travels. And it was worth every extra mile I now have to run to burn it all off!

This recipe is my attempt to capture the essence of Shan cuisine--a balance of fishiness, spice, and tang all served over a heap of noodles with a ton of simple garnishes. If you're looking for something unique, satisfying, and straightforward to make, this is your dish. 

Note that strict vegetarians or vegans won't want to forego the fish sauce altogether, as it is essential to achieve the right flavor and balance. You can find a lot of recipes for vegan fish sauce online, mostly involving a combination of soy sauce, dried seaweed, and dehydrated mushrooms. I suggest going with one of those.

Prep time: 3 cocktails

Noodles:

2 cups chopped shallots

2 stalks lemongrass

1/4 cup peanut oil, divided

1 block of extra firm tofu, chopped into 3/4 - 1" cubes

1/4 cup chickpea flour (sometimes called besan--it is sold in bulk at natural grocers and in Indian markets)

1/2 tsp turmeric

1" piece of ginger, minced

5 cloves garlic, minced

1 14-ounce can coconut milk

2 TBSP fish sauce

1-2 tsp fermented soybean paste (available at any Asian grocer)

1 TBSP tamarind concentrate

1 tsp sugar

8 ounces dried noodles

Salt to taste (I usually need about 1/2 tsp)

Garnishes:

Minced cilantro

Lime wedges

Roasted peanuts, chopped coarsely

2 hard-boiled eggs, peeled and sliced into thin wheels

Shredded red or Napa cabbage

Red chili flakes

Start by prepping your shallots. Once you've got the 2 cups chopped, you want to get them very finely minced. You can do this by hand, but it's faster to toss it all in the food processor and pulse until it is a fine mince, but not so well processed that it starts to become a slurry. Set aside.

Now, peel outer layer from each lemongrass stalk. Then, using a sharp serrated knife, remove the tough 1-2 bottom inches and the top third of the stalks. Then chop your usable remaining lemongrass into 1/2-inch segments. Transfer to a mortar and grind it until you just have lemongrass fibers. Set aside.

In a large, heavy frying pan, heat 2 TBSP of the peanut oil over medium to medium-high heat. Add tofu cubes and saute until they become a nice dark golden-brown. This takes about 10-20 minutes, depending on the moisture content of the tofu. You'll need to stir almost constantly to prevent the tofu from sticking and you will also need to be careful not to break the tofu. Add a bit of extra oil if it all cooks off and tofu is sticking. Once fully cooked, transfer the tofu to a plate and set aside.

While you're working on the tofu, you can also toast the chickpea flour. Put it in a dry frying over medium-low to medium heat. Stirring almost constantly, dry-fry the flour until it turns a light brown. Then remove from heat, whisk in 1/2 cup water and set aside.

Once your tofu and chickpea flour are done, you can start to prepare your noodles.

As the noodles do their thing, you can assemble the sauce. Start by heating the remaining 2 TBSP peanut oil in a large pan or wok over medium heat. Once hot, add the turmeric and saute a few seconds. Then add the shallots and saute until they soften and become translucent, about 4 minutes. Add ginger and garlic and saute another 1-2 minutes. now, add coconut milk, fish sauce, soybean paste, tamarind concentrate, sugar, tofu, pulverized lemongrass, and chickpea paste. Bring to a simmer and cook, uncovered about 5 minutes or until you have reached the consistency of a thick cream sauce or gravy. Adjust salt and other flavorings as needed until you have a perfect balance.

Serve over noodles with all the garnishes!

Achiote Recado Tacos... As good as Stanley Tucci eating kumquats while listening to the Pixies.

I have to admit I've never thought much about annatto, other than I got a pretty photo of it (above) on a spice plantation in Zanzibar a few years ago. Like the Omaha music scene or American soccer, while it's probably great, annatto isn't something any of us spend much time thinking about. Underrated is the word I'm looking for. Then, just like other underrated things--from kumquats to the subtle power of Stanley Tucci's acting, once you give it a try, you're totally hooked. You swoon at the thought of annatto-infused oil. You're that guy at a dinner party extolling the virtues of Indonesian annatto versus Brazilian (which, frankly, tastes like sawdust) to a captive stranger at the snack table as he desperately tries to escape your spice drivel. Which, is exactly why, my friend, you should give it a try. Become part of the underground culture who have fallen in love with this smooth, delicate spice the way way we quietly and hopelessly fell in love with the Pixies the first time we heard them. Welcome to the club.

So what is achiote recado? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a spice blend from the Yucatan. It's a mix of annatto with other spices and sour orange juice. As I learned while living down there, it's both delicious and super popular. You can use it as a rub for any type of meat that you want to enjoy, but it goes great in tofu-based tacos too. Every time I make this, it brings me right back to eating 5 of these tacos for a couple bucks in an open air stall at the town market for lunch!

Prep time: 3 cocktails

Achiote recado:
1/4 cup annatto seeds
6 allspice berries
1/2 tsp whole cumin seeds
1 tsp peppercorns
5 whole cloves
1 TBSP oregano
1/4 of a nutmeg pod, grated on a microplane or the finest side of a box grater
5 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup orange juice
1/4 cup lime juice

Tofu:
3 TBSP canola or peanut oil
1 brick of extra-firm tofu, cut into 3/4 inch cubes

Roasted carrot refried black beans:
2 TBSP oil
1 very large carrot, cut into matchsticks
3/4 cup veggie stock, store-bought or homemade
1 14-oz can black beans, drained
Thyme (optional)

For the tacos:
Mexican style pickled onions
La Costena pickled jalepenos (available in the Mexican aisle of any grocery store), sliced
Cilantro, chopped
Tortillas, fresh or homemade

Additional optional toppings:
Avacado slices
Salsa macha

Combine all the first 5 ingredients of the achiote recado in a spice grinder or coffee grinder and grind into a powder. Transfer to a small, dry frying pan that's over medium heat and add oregano and grated nutmeg. Dry toast the spices until aromatic and just beginning to smoke a tiny bit, about 3-3 minutes. Transfer immediately to a food processor. Also, add garlic, salt and both juices to the spices in the food processor and process it.

For the tofu: in a large frying pan heat the 3 TBSP over medium-high heat. hen hot, add tofu and sauté, stirring with a spatula almost constantly, until the tofu is nicely golden brown but not burned. It may take some care to prevent the tofu from falling apart. When tofu is golden brown, add the achiote recado and stir it all together well.

While you're working on the tofu, make the beans. First in a medium saucepan, heat the 2 TBAP oil over medium heat. When hot, add the carrots and sauté until the carrots are nicely caramelized, but not burned, stirring frequently. Add veggie stock, beans, and thyme, if using. Bring to simmer for 3-5 minutes, then transfer to food processor and puree until it's smooth. Return to the saucepan and keep it warmed over super low heat.

Now assemble your tacos: throw down some beans and tofu on a tortilla and add a smattering of onions, jalepenos, and cilantro. Perfect!

Ridiculous Tofu Stroganoff

This recipe makes me happier than Vladimr Putin wrestling a bear with his shirt off! It's the height of vegetarian comfort food: elegant, balanced, rich. It's not something I'd eat every day... but I could. A meal fit for a Czar. Serve with vodka and liberal amounts of government suppression!

Prep time: 3 cocktails

Tofu:
2 TBSP vegetable oil
14 ounces extra-firm tofu, cut into 3/4" cubes
2 TBSP soy sauce
1 TBSP miso paste
1 TBSP Worcestershire
1/2 cup white wine
1/4 cup juice (apple, orange, pineapple are all fine options)

Sauce:
1 TBSP vegetable oil or butter
1 large onion, chopped
8 ounces crimini mushrooms, slices
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 TBSP brown sugar
2 TBSP tomato paste
1/2 cup white wine
1 cup veggie stock, store-bought or homemade
2 tsp dijon
scant 2 tsp lemon juice
1 TBSP soy sauce
1 cup sour cream (don't use nonfat)
1/3 tsp dill
1/3 tsp thyme
Black pepper

Other stuff:
8 ounces dried egg noodles or rotini
Finely minced Italian parsley or paprika for garnish, optional

Prepare noodles and set aside.

Once your noodles are started, get going on the tofu. Heat the oil over medium-high heat. Add tofu cubes and fry, flipping the tofu around with a spatula almost constantly until tofu is browned but not burned, about 10 minutes. Add all the remaining ingredients for the tofu. Continue stirring until all the liquid is absorbed/evaporated, about 4 minutes. Remove, transfer to a plate and put in the freezer until the cubes are cold (but not frozen).

Now time for the sauce. In a large dutch oven heat your 1 TBSP oil or butter over medium heat. Add onion and mushrooms and saute--covered--for 5 minutes.  Remove the lid and increase to medium-high and saute until the liquids have cooked off and the veggies are starting to brown, about 6-10 more minutes. Add garlic and brown sugar. Stir until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add tomato paste and cook another minute or two.

At this point you should have some stuff starting to stick to the bottom of the pan. Deglaze your pan with the white wine. and simmer for 3 minutes until it's mostly evaporated.

Stir in stock, dijon, lemon juice, soy sauce, sour cream, dill, and thyme. Simmer until you've about reached your desired thickness. Grind some black pepper and stir in along with your cooked noodles. Remove from heat and stir in tofu just enough so it's well distributed but no more. Garnish with parsley or paprika. Done!

Kimchi Chigae

Pronounced "chee-gay", this dish is actually best when you use super over-ripe kimchi. So opening the jar instantly makes your kitchen smell like an unkept college football locker room, you're in luck! And not to brag, but this recipe is better than any I've ever had in a restaurant. So if you're looking to expand your Korean repertoire and try something a little unusual, this is the ticket!

Prep time: 1 1/2 cocktails

3 TBSP peanut oil

3-4 cups kimchi (over-fermented is best), drained and liquid reserved

1-inch piece of ginger, grated

3 cloves garlic

2 Jalepeno peppers (optional)

2 TBSP Braggs

1 veggie bouillon cube

2 tsp sugar

1 12-ounce package firm tofu, drained and cut into ¾-inch cubes

3 green onions, chopped
A touch of toasted sesame oil

Prepared rice (optional)

Heat the oil in a large pan or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. When hot, add drained kimchi, ginger, garlic and peppers/Siracha. Sauté for 5 minutes, stirring frequently.

Add Braggs, bouillon cubes, sugar, tofu, and reserved kimchi juice then fill the pot with water so that it comes a couple inches above the kimchi. Bring the soup to a boil and reduce to a simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add in green onions and continue cooking 2 more minutes.

Add more soy sauce to taste (the amount depends on how big and funky the flavor of your kimchee was when you started. Serve over rice or by itself and drizzle with a few drops of sesame oil before serving.

Cabbage Saag Paneer with Tofu

This is a slightly different version of the Punjab staple found at most Indian restaurants. This dish is usually made with spinach, but I prefer cabbage because it has a less-mushy texture. Also, this dish is traditionally served with cubed paneer, a type of farmers’ cheese. But because this dish is rich enough already, I prefer cubed tofu, which is lighter but provides a similar texture.

Note that if you do want to use spinach, instead of cabbage, it is an easy substitution. Use ~1¼ pounds of spinach that has been stemmed, washed and chopped. Do not blanch it in boiling water. Instead, add it raw at the same time you would add the cabbage to the onion and spices. And continue cooking after you add the spinach longer than if you were using cabbage—about 10 minutes, or until it softens.

Prep time: 2 cocktails 

½ to 1 brick of tofu, cut into 3/4” cubes (or cube up some paneer)

½ large head green cabbage, shredded

1 tsp ground coriander

1 tsp turmeric

2-3 tsp chili flakes

1 tsp garam masala

1 tsp cumin, ground or whole

¼ tsp ground cloves

¼ tsp ground cinnamon

¼ tsp ground cardamom

1 tsp salt

3 Tbsp ghee or butter

1 medium onion, finely chopped

6 cloves garlic, minced

2 inches ginger, very, very finely grated with cheese grater

3 TBSP masa

12 ounces Greek or plain yogurt (full fat)

Juice of 1 lime

A handful of cilantro, roughly chopped (optional)

Preheat oven to 350.

Brush a bit of olive oil or spray cooking spray on a cookie sheet or baking pan and place tofu cubes on pan so that individual cubes do not touch. Bake until firm and outsides begin to become nice and firm and yellowish or just beginning to brown (about 30-40 minutes).

Bring a large pot of water with a few TBSP of salt to a boil. Add cabbage and blanch it a few minutes, until the cabbage becomes a nice deeper shade of green and softens up a bit. Remove from heat, strain and rinse well. Set cabbage aside.

Combine all the dry spices into a small dish (not including salt). Heat a dry frying pan on medium heat and add spices. STIR CONSTANTLY as spices cook. Once they turn a shade or two darker than normal, remove from heat and transfer to small bowl. Add salt.

Heat ghee in a wok or large pan on medium-high. When hot, add onion. Sauté until it becomes transparent, about 3-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add garlic, ginger and spice/salt mixture. Cook 5 more minutes, stirring frequently. If it begins to stick to pan, add another TBSP of ghee or vegetable oil. Add cabbage, and a couple TBSP water, reduce to medium and simmer stirring frequently. Simmer for a few minutes, stirring frequently.

As cabbage cooks, in a small bowl, combine ¼ cup water and masa. Whisk well. Add mixture to cabbage. Next add yogurt, lime and tofu as well. Stir well and bring to boil.

Cook another more minute or so. Depending on how thick you like your saag, you can cook longer for a thicker dish, or add water for a lighter dish. Stir in cilantro before removing from heat. Serve hot over rice, with chapatti, or with naan.

Pad Thai: Kind of Like the Steve Buscemi of Food

Much like the casting of a Coen Brothers movie, you'd think Pad Thai is just an ensemble of weird shit. But, just as any good Coen Brothers film can combine the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Steve Buscemi, and John Goodman with surprising synergy, this dish combines ingredients like tamarind, vinegar, shrimp paste, and eggs to create an unexpectedly delightful meal. It's so good, it'll make you want to move to Fargo.

The stuff like shrimp paste, tamarind paste, palm sugar, fish sauce, and rice noodles can be found at any Asian grocer or most large supermarkets. And you can always veganify this by substituting 3-4 TBSP soy sauce for the shrimp paste and fish sauce. But keep in mind that many of these ingredients can vary a lot in intensity by brand, so the amounts below should only be a rough guide. You'll need to adjust as you go, based on flavor and personal preference.

Prep time: 2 cocktails.

1 batch Incredible Jerk Tofu (but replace first 5 ingredients with 1-2 TBSP Siracha)

2 TBSP tamarind paste

8 ounces wide (fettuccine-size) Asian rice noodles

3 TBSP fish sauce

1-2 tsp shrimp paste

3 TBSP sugar

1 TBSP rice vinegar

3-6 Thai chilies, sliced into thin wheels

3 TBSP peanut oil

5 cloves garlic, minced

1 bunch scallions, chopped

2 eggs, scrambled together

A handful of peanuts, chopped up a bit

1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped

1 lime, sliced into wedges

3 cups bean sprouts

Prepare tofu according to the hyperlinked recipe (with adaption) and set in the refrigerator to cool. 

Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil. Combine 3/4 cup of that water in a bowl with the tamarind paste. Set aside for 10 minutes to cool. After 10 minutes, with a fork, break up the tamarind completely. You'll have some big pulpee bits and maybe some seeds. Remove these with your hands or, if you want to be cleaner, pass it all through a mesh strainer and discard the solids.

After you've removed the boiling water for the tamarind, remove the pot from the heat and immediately add the noodles. Let the noodles sit for 10 minutes, then drain, rinse with cold water, and set aside.

In a small bowl whisk together fish sauce, shrimp paste, palm sugar, rice vinegar, and chilies. Set aside.

In a wok, heat the oil on medium-high heat. When it's hot, add garlic and 2/3 of the scallions. Saute 3-4 minutes. Then scoot them off to the side and add the egg to the cleared area. Once the egg sets, scramble it up with a spatula. When egg is just tender-done, add the noodles, tamarind juice, and fish sauce mixture. Stir well. Once everything is incorporated, add tofu, peanuts, and cilantro. Stir it all up again. Then stir in the bean sprouts and remaining scallions. Remove from heat and serve with lime wedges, additional peanuts, and Siracha all as optional garnishes. And a Thai beer! 

Drunken Noodles

The origins of drunken noodles are no longer known. Some people believe that these noodles got their name because they are so spicy that they're impossible to eat without drinking a shitload of beer during the meal. Others contend that the combination of ingredients is so strange that the name came about because only a drunkard would have thrown these things all together. Either way, the combination of sweet, spicy, and salty is deliciously balanced in this classic!


As with the other Thai recipes, some of these ingredients (such as fish sauce, the rice noodles, and Thai peppers) seem pretty exotic, but can all be found at a good Asian grocer. Keycap manis is a type of sweetened, fermented soy sauce. Also, remember Thai and Italian basil are very different. Stick with Thai basil ONLY.

Prep time: 2 cocktails

1/2 of a 14-ounce package wide, flat rice noodles
3 TBSP fish sauce
½ cup keycap manis
2 TBSP soy sauce
1 TBSP cornstarch
1 tsp sugar
3 TBSP vegetable oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
10 Thai chilies, chopped into 1/8‖ thick wheels
1 pound package extra firm tofu, cut into ¾-inch cubes
1-2 cups sliced, mixed vegetables (optional) (you can use tomatoes, carrots, bell pepper, cabbage, zucchini, broccoli, etc.)
½ cup Thai basil leaves, tear biggest ones in half
A handful of peanuts
1 cup bean sprouts
1-2 limes, cut into wedges

Put the noodles into boiling water. Cook until still fairly al dente. Remove, strain, then plunge into an ice bath. After a few minutes in the ice bath, you can re-strain and set aside.

While noodles are cooking, combine fish sauce, keycap manis, soy sauce, cornstarch, and sugar in small bowl. Whisk very well and set aside.

Heat oil in wok or large frying pan over medium-high heat. Once wok is hot, add garlic and chilies. Stirring a couple times, sauté for about 45-60 seconds (but don‘t let garlic brown). Then add sauce mixture and tofu. Stir frequently for 3-4 minutes.

Add noodles and vegetables and cook another 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently.

Stir in Thai basil and peanuts and continue stirring frequently another minute or so. Remove from heat and serve hot with bean sprouts on top and squeeze a few lime wedges over the whole mess.

Incredible Jerk Tofu

Anytime somebody tells you that they think tofu sucks, tell them I said they're an ass. Then make this. It'll shut them up for good.

Note that this preparation tends to make a bit of a mess out of your frying pan. I highly recommend that you use a well-seasoned cast-iron frying pan for this recipe, as the clean-up is immeasurably easier.

This is also a fantastic way to prepare tofu for any cuisine, just change the spices from jerk to whatever is appropriate to fit your cuisine.

Prep time: 1 cocktail

1 pinch dried oregano
1 pinch dried basil
3 TBSP jerk paste (click here for recipe)
1 tsp Cajun seasoning
1 TBSP Worcestershire sauce
1-2 TBSP soy sauce
1/3 cup red wine
½ cup orange juice or pineapple juice
3 TBSP peanut or non-toasted sesame oil
1 brick extra firm tofu, cut into 1” cubes
2 TBSP sesame seeds

In small bowl, whisk together oregano, basil, jerk paste, Cajun seasoning, Worcestershire, soy sauce, red wine, and juice. Set aside.

Heat oil in an 8- to 10-inch frying pan over medium-high heat. When it gets hot, add tofu. Stir very gently and very frequently with spatula being careful to avoid breaking the tofu (it can be tricky to keep your tofu intact depending on brand and moisture content, this is why using extra firm is critical). Fry until the tofu begins to become golden brown. This can take from 10-20 minutes, depending on the moisture content of the tofu. If your tofu is sticking to the bottom of the pan, add a bit more oil and be sure you're flipping it around every few seconds with the spatula.

Once tofu is golden-brown, add wine/juice mixture. Bump your heat up one notch and occasionally stir everything. Cook until all the moisture has cooked off, about 5-10 minutes. Toss in the sesame seeds and then transfer the tofu to a plate. Place in refrigerator and allow to cool completely before eating or using in another recipe.

First Recipe: Mapo Doufu

Mapo Doufu translates to "Pockmarked Old Woman’s Tofu." This dish’s roots supposedly go back centuries to the Chinese city of Chengdu in Szechuan, where an old, disfigured widow was ostracized to the outskirts of town. Because they couldn’t afford to stay in the town while they waited for their goods to sell, many poor farmers and traders also found themselves staying on the outskirts of town. By happy coincidence, the story goes, the farmers and traders eventually found the old woman and her amazing cooking. She soon became the pride of the city and her tofu is still the local favorite. Or something. All I know is this shit is delicious. Had it last night with fried rice.

If you've ever had Mapo Doufu, at a Chinese restaurant, this might be different than what you've eaten—it won’t resemble the nasty, thick, sweet-and-sour mapo doufu that you sometimes see at restaurants in the US. Instead, this recipe is fiery, nuanced, complex, and very delicious.

Note that Szechuan Peppercorns are not related to black peppercorns. And because they add a very important smoothing element to the dish, you cannot substitute anything for it. But fret not! The pepper—along with any of the other unique ingredients below—can be purchased at any Asian grocer.

Prep time: 1 cocktail (30 minutes)

3 tablespoons Szechuan chili oil

3 small dried hot red peppers (optional)

1 TBSP fermented black bean paste (no more!)

1 tsp Gochujang

1 TBSP minced garlic

1 TBSP ginger, grated with microplane

10 ounces shiitake mushrooms, stemmed and chopped fairly finely

15 ounce block extra firm tofu cut into 1” cubes

1 teaspoon finely ground Sichuan peppercorns

1 TBSP soy sauce

1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil

2 tsp rice vinegar

1 tsp Chinese Black vinegar (Chinkiang vinegar)

2 tsp sugar

1 TBSP corn starch, dissolved in 3 TBSP cold water

½ cup slivered scallions, both white and green parts

Cooked rice or congee (Chinese rice porridge) for serving

 

Heat the chili oil over medium heat in a very large frying pan or large Dutch oven. When hot, add chili peppers, black bean paste, and Gochujang. Sauté, stirring, for ~1 minute. Then add garlic and gingers and sauté 1-2 more minutes, stirring. Next add mushrooms and stir well. Cook the mushrooms until the liquid they release has cooked off and the mushrooms turn a darker shade of brown, about 10 minutes, stirring frequently.

 

While mushrooms are cooking, place a medium saucepan that’s 2/3 full of water that is salted to about the level of seawater over high heat. When it reaches a boil, add the cubed tofu and immediately remove from heat. Let tofu steep in the salt water to absorb some saltiness for 15 minutes, then carefully drain it without breaking the tofu. 

 

Now back to the mushrooms: once they have cooked down and turned to a darker color of brown, add the ground Sichuan peppercorns and stir in for about a minute. Then add 1 ½ cups of water, soy sauce, sesame oil, both vinegars, and sugar. Bring back to a boil then reduce to medium-low and simmer for 5 minutes, stirring. 

 

Add cornstarch mixture and stir for 2-3 more minutes until the sauce has thickened up. Now, you need to balance the flavor. It is likely that you will need to add more black vinegar, soy sauce (or salt), and/or sugar to get just the right balance. Be careful not to overdo anything though. You want a sauce that is well harmonized. 

 

Now very gently stir in the tofu, being careful not to break the cubes. Let simmer for another minute or two. Remove from heat, garnish with scallions and serve!