Authentic Jungle Curry (Kaeng Pa)

Jungle curry is a primitive dish that comes from the remote regions of Thailand. It is a blindingly hot dish that was traditionally made with bush meat and whatever other ingredients were on hand. Today, it remains a popular dish in Thailand, and although it is still an incredibly spicy dish, the random jungle meats have been largely replaced by duck or pork (I use seitan). The reason for the severe hotness of the dish is twofold: first, hotness was often used to mask sometimes dubious meats or vegetables used, and second, there is no coconut milk used to add sweetness and creaminess to absorb the heat. This is a watery curry—almost a stew. This is an adventurous dish.

Shopping hints: for the seitan, there are a lot of different types out there. Go with traditional flavored (not barbecue, bacon, chorizo, or any other varieties that are now available). And there are also strips or other "cuts" also now out there; just go with the plain old chunky stuff. Also, there's some unusual ingredients here, such as karachi, galangal, kaffir lime leaves, Thai basil, and lemongrass. All these are available at most Asian grocers. 

Prep time: 2 cocktails

For the paste:

1-3 habenero peppers, stems removed and halved (amount should vary depending on your tolerance--I use 5 peppers)

4 fingers of krachai, chopped

1 stalk lemongrass, chopped

¼ cup shallot, chopped

4-5 cloves garlic

2 TBSP galangal, chopped

Pinch white pepper

1 Anaheim pepper chopped

For the curry:

3 TBSP peanut oil, divided

1 8-ounce package seitan, torn into thin strips

3 cups veggie stock

2-3 TBSP fish sauce

3 Anaheim peppers, chopped

2-3 cups mixed vegetables (can include broccoli, bamboo shoots, zucchini, carrot, cabbage, eggplant, etc.)

2 TBSP drained green peppercorns, out of a jar (available by capers and other condiments at the store)

4 kaffir lime leaves, shredded

5 fingers of krachai, chopped finely

1 large tomato, sliced

Handful Thai basil (tear largest leaves in half)

Prepared forbidden black rice, sticky rice, or sticky noodles

Prepare the paste by combining all the paste ingredients in food processor, spice grinder, or mortar and pestle. Process until you have a smooth paste.

Heat 2 TBSP of the oil over medium-high heat. When hot, add seitan. Sauté, stirring occasionally, until it begins to get a bit browned and crispy on the exterior. Remove from heat and set aside.

With your burner on medium, heat the remaining 1 TBSP of the oil in a large wok or pan. When hot, add 1/3 cup of the paste (save the rest of the paste for another use). Stir constantly for 90 seconds. Add stock and fish sauce. Bring to a boil and then add Anaheim peppers, vegetables (but NOT the tomato), peppercorns, lime leaves, and krachai. Stir frequently for a couple minutes until veggies becomes a bit tender.

Stir in tomato and Thai basil remove from heat. Let sit for a minute or two then add Seitan and serve over warm rice.

Pad Thai: Kind of Like the Steve Buscemi of Food

Much like the casting of a Coen Brothers movie, you'd think Pad Thai is just an ensemble of weird shit. But, just as any good Coen Brothers film can combine the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Steve Buscemi, and John Goodman with surprising synergy, this dish combines ingredients like tamarind, vinegar, shrimp paste, and eggs to create an unexpectedly delightful meal. It's so good, it'll make you want to move to Fargo.

The stuff like shrimp paste, tamarind paste, palm sugar, fish sauce, and rice noodles can be found at any Asian grocer or most large supermarkets. And you can always veganify this by substituting 3-4 TBSP soy sauce for the shrimp paste and fish sauce. But keep in mind that many of these ingredients can vary a lot in intensity by brand, so the amounts below should only be a rough guide. You'll need to adjust as you go, based on flavor and personal preference.

Prep time: 2 cocktails.

1 batch Incredible Jerk Tofu (but replace first 5 ingredients with 1-2 TBSP Siracha)

2 TBSP tamarind paste

8 ounces wide (fettuccine-size) Asian rice noodles

3 TBSP fish sauce

1-2 tsp shrimp paste

3 TBSP sugar

1 TBSP rice vinegar

3-6 Thai chilies, sliced into thin wheels

3 TBSP peanut oil

5 cloves garlic, minced

1 bunch scallions, chopped

2 eggs, scrambled together

A handful of peanuts, chopped up a bit

1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped

1 lime, sliced into wedges

3 cups bean sprouts

Prepare tofu according to the hyperlinked recipe (with adaption) and set in the refrigerator to cool. 

Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil. Combine 3/4 cup of that water in a bowl with the tamarind paste. Set aside for 10 minutes to cool. After 10 minutes, with a fork, break up the tamarind completely. You'll have some big pulpee bits and maybe some seeds. Remove these with your hands or, if you want to be cleaner, pass it all through a mesh strainer and discard the solids.

After you've removed the boiling water for the tamarind, remove the pot from the heat and immediately add the noodles. Let the noodles sit for 10 minutes, then drain, rinse with cold water, and set aside.

In a small bowl whisk together fish sauce, shrimp paste, palm sugar, rice vinegar, and chilies. Set aside.

In a wok, heat the oil on medium-high heat. When it's hot, add garlic and 2/3 of the scallions. Saute 3-4 minutes. Then scoot them off to the side and add the egg to the cleared area. Once the egg sets, scramble it up with a spatula. When egg is just tender-done, add the noodles, tamarind juice, and fish sauce mixture. Stir well. Once everything is incorporated, add tofu, peanuts, and cilantro. Stir it all up again. Then stir in the bean sprouts and remaining scallions. Remove from heat and serve with lime wedges, additional peanuts, and Siracha all as optional garnishes. And a Thai beer! 

Thai Peanut Stir Fry

New to Thai food? Intimidated on how to get all the sweet, salty, spicy, and sour flavors to meld? Have no fear... This recipe kicks more ass than Chuck Norris. You'll be pro at (quasi authentic) Thai food in no time!

Prep time: 2 cocktails

1 block of firm Tofu, chopped into 1" cubes
3 TBSP peanut oil
2 cups chopped veggies that are good to stir fry (broccoli, cabbage, bell peppers, and bok choi are all good options)
5 cloves garlic, minced
2-inch segment ginger, grated finely with microplane or finest side of cheese grater
1 TBSP soy sauce
1/2 cucumber sliced into thin wheels
1 underripe tomato, sliced into 6-8 wedges
A handful of Thai basil leaves, torn up roughly
Several handfuls of prepared rice noodles or a couple cups of prepared rice
Double batch spicy Thai peanut sauce
Optional garnishes: chopped peanuts, lime slices, cilantro leaves, chopped Thai chilies

Preheat oven to 350. Arrange tofu cubes to a cookie sheet sprayed with cooking spray so they aren't touching. Bake until the cubes get nice and crispy golden, but not totally dried out, about 30 minutes depending on the water content. You'll want to flip them with a tongs halfway through.

When the tofu is done, heat the oil in a wok over medium high heat. Throw in your chopped veggies (NOT INCLUDING the tomato or cucumber), plus the garlic, and ginger. Stir fry for 3-6 minutes, or until veggies begin to get a little tender. Add tofu, soy sauce, cucumber, tomato, and and basil leaves stir fry another 90 seconds or so.

Serve the stir-fried veggies on top of the noodles or rice and cover with the peanut sauce. Add garnishes and eat more heartily than Chuck Norris at a the Badass Buffet.

Spicy Thai Peanut Sauce

Radically good for dipping or to top stir fried veggies and noodles.

Prep time: 1/4 cocktail

3 TBSP peanut oil
1-inch finely grated ginger, grated with microplane or finest grating of cheese grater

1 clove garlic, minced

1/2 cup all natural, unsweetened peanut butter
3 TBSP soy sauce
2 TBSP agave nectar
Juice of one big lime
1 cup coconut milk
1/2 tsp cayenne (or more to taste)
1/4 cup onion, minced very finely
a handful of peanuts (optional)
water, if necessary

Heat the oil in a small saucepan over medium heat then add garlic and ginger. Saute a 45-90 seconds, then add all other ingredients EXCEPT onion and peanuts. Whisk until it's all uniform. Continue to whisk frequently until sauce reaches a boil. Add a little water if you need to adjust the thickness, then add onion. Boil one more minute and remove from heat. Add peanuts. Serve hot over noodles and veggies or use as a dipping sauce. 

Drunken Noodles

The origins of drunken noodles are no longer known. Some people believe that these noodles got their name because they are so spicy that they're impossible to eat without drinking a shitload of beer during the meal. Others contend that the combination of ingredients is so strange that the name came about because only a drunkard would have thrown these things all together. Either way, the combination of sweet, spicy, and salty is deliciously balanced in this classic!


As with the other Thai recipes, some of these ingredients (such as fish sauce, the rice noodles, and Thai peppers) seem pretty exotic, but can all be found at a good Asian grocer. Keycap manis is a type of sweetened, fermented soy sauce. Also, remember Thai and Italian basil are very different. Stick with Thai basil ONLY.

Prep time: 2 cocktails

1/2 of a 14-ounce package wide, flat rice noodles
3 TBSP fish sauce
½ cup keycap manis
2 TBSP soy sauce
1 TBSP cornstarch
1 tsp sugar
3 TBSP vegetable oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
10 Thai chilies, chopped into 1/8‖ thick wheels
1 pound package extra firm tofu, cut into ¾-inch cubes
1-2 cups sliced, mixed vegetables (optional) (you can use tomatoes, carrots, bell pepper, cabbage, zucchini, broccoli, etc.)
½ cup Thai basil leaves, tear biggest ones in half
A handful of peanuts
1 cup bean sprouts
1-2 limes, cut into wedges

Put the noodles into boiling water. Cook until still fairly al dente. Remove, strain, then plunge into an ice bath. After a few minutes in the ice bath, you can re-strain and set aside.

While noodles are cooking, combine fish sauce, keycap manis, soy sauce, cornstarch, and sugar in small bowl. Whisk very well and set aside.

Heat oil in wok or large frying pan over medium-high heat. Once wok is hot, add garlic and chilies. Stirring a couple times, sauté for about 45-60 seconds (but don‘t let garlic brown). Then add sauce mixture and tofu. Stir frequently for 3-4 minutes.

Add noodles and vegetables and cook another 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently.

Stir in Thai basil and peanuts and continue stirring frequently another minute or so. Remove from heat and serve hot with bean sprouts on top and squeeze a few lime wedges over the whole mess.