Dad's Gazpacho

Dad was a genius in the kitchen and would spend hours concocting the most elaborate feasts—often for no occasion at all. He just loved cooking. I can only dream of becoming a fraction as talented in the kitchen as dad was. He was really something special.

While there’s nothing too elaborate about this particular dish, it is the best gazpacho I’ve ever had—Dad spent years perfecting it. Like any gazpacho, this recipe is especially delicious when you can get fresh, local veggies. Exotic, unusual-tasting heirloom tomatoes can also give this soup interesting dimensions. Only for summertime!

Prep time: 1 cocktail 

1 box of croutons, divided

¾ cup chopped celery

½ very small onion

1-1.5 large cucumber, chopped

1 red or yellow bell pepper, chopped

4 tomatoes chopped

2 garlic cloves, (NO MORE!) minced

1/2 cup red wine vinegar

½ tsp ground cumin

1 Tbsp + 2 tsp Tabasco

1.5 cups cold veggie stock

2 cups cold tomato juice (Snappy Tom is best)

1/3 cup olive oil

2 TBSP Worcestershire sauce

1 1/4 tsp salt

Minced Ialian flat-leaf parsley (optional)

Additional minced cucumber, celery, and/or pepper or minced hard boiled egg (all optional)

Blend 1 cup of croutons into crumbs in food processor or blender. Set aside.

Next, combine celery, onion, cucumber, bell pepper, tomato, and garlic in food processor. Mix well.

Now combine crouton crumbs, veggie mixture, and all remaining ingredients EXCEPT the last two optional ingredients in a blender and mix well.

Depending on the tomato juice used, it may be necessary to add additional salt to taste.  

Chill in refrigerator at least 8 hours (ideally 24 hours) to let the flavors fully develop. Adjust vinegar and Worcestershire if a little more is desired. 

Serve chilled with additional whole croutons on top, as well as the optional parsley, minced veggies, and or eggs. Also garnish with a drizzle of good olive oil.

Tzatziki

This dip is versatile and is great with many foods. It's a great for chips or pita, is awesome with most Middle Eastern foods, and solves conflict between Israelis and Palestinians. Yeah, it's that good.

If you can't find Greek yogurt, you can make your own. Buy a tub of plain, full fat or lowfat yogurt (fuck that fat-free shit--tastes like donkey dick). Now, take a large strainer or colander and line the inside with triple-layered cheesecloth. Pour the yogurt into the cheesecloth and place the whole thing in the fridge above a large bowl or other dish to catch the drippings. In 12 hours, it's ready. Remove from fridge and discard drippings. The Greek yogurt in the cheesecloth is ready to use.

Prep time: 1/2 cocktail

2 tablespoons olive oil

Juice of ½ large lemon

¼ tsp and pepper to taste

½ tsp salt (or more to taste)

8 ounces Greek yogurt 

1-2 tablespoon chopped fresh dill or fresh mint (or more to taste)

1 medium cucumber

1 clove garlic, minced

Grate the cucumber with a cheese grater and squeeze all the water out of it by wrapping it in cheesecloth and gently but firmly squeezing. After this, spread cucumber in a colander and toss it with some salt. Let is stand in the sink for 20 minutes. The salt will draw out any remaining moisture.

While cucumber drips out, process everything except the cucumber and garlic very well in food processor or blender. Transfer this mixture to a bowl.

Now combine cucumber and garlic with yogurt mixture.

Finally, let the dip sit covered in the fridge a few hours or overnight before serving (it can be really bland at first).

Holy Dolmas!

Dolmas are the amazingly delicious stuffed grape leaves that you might recognize from Middle Eastern restaurants or the salad bar at your natural grocer. Making dolmas from scratch is a bit time-consuming compared with buying the canned variety, but the flavor is even better. Serving these with tzatziki dip or hummus will make you the hit of any party (read: you're not going home alone).

The grape leaves in this recipe can be purchased at any Middle East grocer and most large natural food stores. You can also use your own, if you happen to have grape vines nearby. Just blanch fresh leaves in boiling water for 2-3 minutes or until they soften up. And if you’re using canned leaves, be sure to rinse the brine off them before using.

You can use forbidden black, sushi, brown, or plain old white rice for this recipe. I like forbidden black because the high gluten helps everything stick together and it looks cool. 

Prep time: 2 cocktails

18 or so grape leaves

1 medium red onion, chopped fairly finely

1 cup olive oil, divided

1 cup prepared forbidden black rice

1/3 cup fresh mint, finely chopped

1/3 cup fresh Italian flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped

A small handful of fresh dill (finely chopped) or a few shakes dried dill (optional)

2 tsp salt

½ cup pine nuts, finely chopped (optional)

Juice of 2 lemons

Blanch grape leaves if you're using fresh; rinse if you're using canned. Set aside.

To prepare filling: In a large frying pan or wok, heat ¼ cup of the olive oil on medium heat. Sauté onion 6 minutes, stirring frequently. Add rice, mint, parsley, dill (if using), salt, and pine nuts and sauté one more minute, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

To fill each grape leave, place the smooth side DOWN. Add about 1-2 tsp rice mixture per leaf (though this will vary, depending on leaf size). Fold the leaf in half, then fold in sides. Then roll up like a burrito. Be sure you roll tightly, or else they’ll unwrap during cooking.

Arrange the dolmas in a single layer in big round pot or pan that has a snug-fitting lid. Top the dolmas with the remaining ¾ cup olive oil and lemon juice. Next, place a plate on top of dolmas so they don’t float away when you add water… but be careful not to crush them!

Now add BOILING water so it just covers the dolmas (if they’re not tightly packed, only submerge till they’re 2/3 covered).

Place the dolma pot on the stovetop and turn the heat to high. Bring the water to a boil, then put the lid on an reduce to simmer for 60 minutes or until liquid is absorbed.

Once liquid is all cooked off, remove from heat and allow to cool in pot (moving them while hot will break the leaves). Once cool, remove. Serve at room temp or slightly chilled. An extra sprinkle of salt and some lemon wedges are good accompaniments.

Unruly Tabbouleh!!

It's summertime and the garden is kicking tons of ass! What to do with all those tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, and herbs? Tabbouleh, obviously. This Middle Eastern salad is so damn good, it makes me want to move to Syria. Even now. 

This makes a pretty huge batch. You can always halve it if you wanna avoid a week of leftovers. 

Prep time: 1 cocktail (includes harvest time)

2 cups bulgur (or whole wheat couscous--both available in the bulk section any natural food store)

4 cups water

1 tsp salt

1 medium bunch Italian flat leaf parsley, chopped finely (no curly parsley!)

1 cucumber, chopped

½ cup green onion, chopped

6 tomatoes, chopped (you can certainly use many more tomatoes, if you like)

½ cup lemon juice

½ cup olive oil

1 clove garlic, minced

1.5 ounces mint (about 6 TBSP), chopped finely

Additional lemon, salt, and olive oil for topping

Boil water and add bulgur. Reduce heat to low and cook uncovered until all the water is absorbed, about 10 minutes. No need to stir. Add more water and cook longer if bulgur is still crunchy. 

Transfer to a large bowl and chill completely.

Once the bulgur or couscous is cold, combine all ingredients in a large bowl. When you serve it, top each portion with an additional drizzle of olive oil, a good squeeze of lemon and a nice pinch of salt.

Now kick back, pour a huge cocktail and enjoy your summer. 

Roasted Red Bell Pepper (or just plain) Hummus

Simple, fast, delicious. That's about all I need to say about this one. Eat heartily and often. 

Prep time: 1/4 cocktail

1 can garbanzo beans, drained

Juice of 1 lemon

¼ cup tahini

1 clove garlic (no more)

¼ cup Italian flat-leaf parsley

½ tsp salt (or more to taste)

2 TBSP green onions

4 TBSP olive oil

1 roasted red bell pepper, seeds and skin removed (optional)

Combine all ingredients in food processor. Puree until smooth. It may be necessary to add some water or additional olive oil to reach your desired consistency.

Adjust if there is too little lemon or salt. Serve chilled.

Alternate recipe:

Omit parsley, bell pepper and green onion. Replace with a couple pinches each allspice and cumin. And maybe a touch of sugar. Prepare the same way.

Kick-Ass Kenkey Recipe

Think of a slightly sour tamale without the inner filling and you've got a pretty good idea of what this Ghanaian staple is like.

The problem with kenkey is that it takes a while to make on your own and is almost impossible to find (unless you have a West African market nearby). Traditionally, kenkey is a fermented corn mash that takes days to prepare properly. You can ferment it on your own (there are instructions available online), or you can use my recipe, which has an almost identical flavor and takes only a few minutes to prepare.

For a more sour kenkey, increase lime juice by ¼ cup and reduce water by ¼ cup.

This recipe makes roughly 6-8 kenkey “tamales.” For this, you’ll need to purchase both masa harina and dried corn husks (masa is a flour made from hominy). Both are available in the Mexican aisle of virtually any grocery store or any Mexican market.

Kenkey goes great with any type of fish and shito or red-red, all eaten by hand. Though not as traditional, kenkey also goes great with a lot of other African proteins, such as mesir mot. Non-vegetarians would love it with tibs and awaze.

Prep time: 1 cocktail

5-15 corn husks, depending on size

3 cups masa harina

1 cups water

½ cup canola oil

3/4 cup fresh-squeezed lime juice

2 tsp salt

Start by soaking the corn husks in a big bowl. Submerge them in hot water and let them soak for at least a half hour. You’ll need something heavy to set on top of the husks so they remain submerged. A brick is what I use.

Now you’re ready to make the kenkey dough. Combine masa, water, oil, lime juice and salt in a large mixing bowl and mix well with a mixer or by hand.

Next, take a fully-soaked corn husk and figure out which is the smoothest side. Set on the counter with smooth side facing up. The stuffing amount will vary depending on the size of the corn husks. But you want to fill the corn husk so that you’ll be able to roll it up.

Roll the kenkey “tamale” like a big hand-rolled cigarette. Tie the two ends securely with string. If you don’t have string, you can tear strips off soaked corn husks to do the job, but this takes a bit longer and the husk strips are easy to tear when tightly pulled.

At this point, you can freeze any kenkey “tamales” you don’t plan on cooking right away. Just stack in a large Tupperware or zip lock bag and place in freezer. You can later prepare frozen tamales by following the steaming directions below (but add a couple extra minutes). Frozen tamales can also be steamed inside their husks right in the microwave (though most purists would pooh-pooh the practice). Cooking times vary on size and number cooked, but ranges from roughly 2 to 10 minutes.

To steam right away, use a bamboo or metal steamer. Stack the tamales so there’s lots of circulation space. Cover and until the masa gets nice and firm and doesn't want to stick to the wrapper when you open it up, which can vary from 45 minutes to two hours, depending on the thickness of each kenkey and how tightly they're packed in the steamer. . Don’t forget to check the water level occasionally!

When done, serve with fish or the protein of your choice and shito.

Sexytime XXXtra Bold Boulder BBQ Sauce

If there’s one thing I truly hate in life, it’s social injustice. But almost as much as that, I HATE sweet, thick barbecue sauce. And almost as much as I hate sweet, thick BBQ sauce, I hate paying 5 bucks for a bottle of the stuff only to find out how bad it is. So, as a result, I decided to make my own. It’s big, bold, tangy, smoky, spicy and freaking DELICIOUS! Great on anything from veggie burgers to pork ribs!

Note that I typically use plain, old, commercial, non-vegetarian Worcestershire sauce. If you are going with Annie’s or another non-mainstream brand, keep in mind that these are usually much milder. As a result, I recommend you increase the amount to taste.

And although this is already a massively flavorful BBQ sauce, feel free to sex up this sauce even more by adding beer, crushed pineapple, lemon juice, red wine, chipotle, whiskey, orange juice, tequila, coffee, or cocoa powder. Any of these additions will be delicious!

1 large clove garlic, chopped, NO MORE!
1-2 TBSP onion, finely minced

2 cups ketchup (homemade recipe or store bought)

1 TBSP ground black pepper

½ cup white vinegar

1/3 tsp cayenne pepper

1 TBSP powdered mustard

2 TBSP light soy sauce or tamari

¼ cup Worcestershire

1 TBSP brown sugar

¾ tsp liquid smoke

Combine garlic, onion, and ketchup in food processor and buzz until it makes a nice, smooth sauce.

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil and reduce to simmer, stirring frequently until all flavors have mingled and you have reached desired consistency, about 30 minutes. Adjust to your personal flavor here by adding in more sugar, Worcestershire, liquid smoke, or anything else you might want to emphasize more. 

Remove from heat, chill, and serve. Will keep a few weeks in the refrigerator or can be canned for indefinite storage. 

When I can this, I quadruple the recipe and process at 13 psi for 20 minutes in hot pint jars with 1/4 inch headspace. Makes 6 pints. 

Goat Cheese, Corn, and Sweet Potato-Stuffed Crepes (with Homemade Mole)

After living in Africa for two years, I can objectively say that this recipe kicks more ass than an abusive Ethiopian donkey owner. And I should know. Eat this now and eat it often.

For this recipe, you’ll need a quarter to a half batch of my (or your own) homemade mole recipe.

Prep time: 2 cocktails.

Batter:

3 large eggs
1.5 cup whole milk
3/4 cup water
1/2 tsp salt
1 c white flour
1/2 cup masa harina
3 TBSP melted butter

Combine all in a medium-sized mixing bowl and whisk very well by hand or with mixer.

Filling:

¼ cup corn or canola oil, divided

1 Anaheim pepper or 1/2 red bell pepper, chopped fairly small

2 medium sweet potatoes

1 cup fresh or frozen corn (don’t even think of using canned!)

6 ounces goat cheese (chevre), crumbled

Topping:

Homemade mole, served warm

Bake the sweet potato in the oven or microwave until it's just soft when poked deeply with a fork (everybody loves a good deep poking, right?). Be very careful not to overcook it. When it cools a bit, cut it into 1/2-inch cubes.

Heat 2 TBSP of the oil in a small frying pan and heat over medium-high heat. Add potatoes and sauté until the edges become just a bit crisp, about 4 minutes. Add pepper and continue to sauté until peppers become just a tad softened, about 5-6 more minute. Add corn and remove from heat.

Once mixture has cooled enough so it won’t melt the goat cheese, stir it in as well.

To prepare the crepes, heat a nonstick frying pan over medium heat. Add a teaspoon or two of oil and ladle about ¼ cup of batter into the pan in a spiral motion. Now lift the pan and rotate it in the air to further spread out the batter. Remember crepes should be quite thin. Next, place about 3 TBSP of filling in one half of the crepe and once the bottom has just barely begun to cook to firmness, fold the unstuffed half over the filling to create a calzone-shaped crepe. If your timing is correct, the bottom of the crepe should be cooked almost to perfection, but the top will still be moist and will fuse to completely enclose the filling. Continue cooking another minute or so, then gently flip and cook a few more seconds until each side has just a kiss of golden color, but is still moist.

Remove from heat and place on a plate. If you’re making more than a few, I recommend turning your oven up to 150 and placing prepared crepes in there to keep them warm. Add another teaspoon or two of oil before preparing each additional crepe.

Once all your crepes are done, ladle some of the warm mole over the top. Delicious!

Mole Negro

This traditional Oaxacan sauce is great with tamales or in mole-specific recipe for goat cheese, corn, and sweet potato crepes. And for any carnivorous folks out there, this recipe will go great with chicken as well. Soooooo delicious!

Note that this recipe makes a fairly big batch, so if you’re cooking a small meal, reducing the proportions is recommended. However, mole freezes and cans well, so I recommend just saving what you have left over. 

Some of the ingredients here are a bit obscure, but you can find most of them at any large supermarket or Mexican market. 

Regarding the Mexican chocolate, there are a few varieties out there, but the one I most highly recommend is Ibarra (pictured above). 

Prep time: 1 cocktail

Spice and seed mix: 
2 TBSP shelled pumpkin seeds (aka pepitas)
1/3 cup peanuts
2 TBSP sesame seeds

½ tsp dried chipotle powder

½ tsp ground cumin

½ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp cardamom

1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp thyme
1/2 of a star anise pod

10 cloves
8 peppercorns

Other ingredients:

4-5 dried Ancho chilies

4-5 dried Guajillo chilies
4-5 dried Pasilla chilies

3 medium tomatoes, whole
3 tomatillos, peeled and left whole

3 TBSP corn or canola oil

3/4 medium onion, chopped
5 cloves garlic, minced

3 cups vegetable stock, store-bought or homemade

1/2 cup raw almonds

1/3 cup raisins

1.5 wheels of Ibarra chocolate (the large, 90 gram size)

2 tsp salt
Sugar to taste

Put a couple cups of water on to boil. Preheat oven to 350.

In a small bowl, combine all the ingredients for the spice and seed mix and set aside.

When oven is hot, toast anchos, guajillos, and pasillas directly on the rack for about 3 minutes, or until they become fragrant and just start to give off a bit of smoke when you open the oven door. Remove from the oven and combine the peppers with the boiling water in a bowl. Let soak for at least 20 minutes. You’ll want to place a weighted plate on top of the peppers to keep them submerged. Remove from water and drain. Remove stems and seeds and set aside.

While your peppers are soaking bring a big pot of water to a boil and throw the whole tomatoes and tomatillos in the water. Boil until the skins start to wrinkle, about 4 minutes. Then drain, and let cool enough to handle. Then core the tomatoes. 

In large saucepan or large frying pan, heat the oil over medium to medium-high heat. When hot, add onion and sauté until translucent, 5-7 minutes. Stir in garlic and sauté about 45 seconds. Stir in almonds and sauté 2 minutes. Then stir in the spice and seed mix and sauté 2 more minutes. Transfer the contents immediately to a food processor or blender.

You'll likely need to work in batches, but you'll want to process the onion/spice mixture with the chilies, tomatoes, tomatillos, vegetable stock, and raisins. Process until it becomes a totally smooth sauce.

Pour your sauce into a saucepan and over medium-low. Stir in chocolate, salt, and a couple pinches of sugar. Stir almost continuously until the chocolate melts completely.

Now comes the adjustment part. Mole is a delicate balanced sauce, and following any recipe will yield differing results at different times. So you will likely need to adjust with a bit of sugar, salt, almond butter, and/or chocolate to get it to be just perfect. You may also have to cook off a bit of water or add some to get to the right consistency (it should be a little runnier than ketchup).

Cook for one more minute and remove from heat. Serve hot over the tamales or goat cheese, corn, and sweet potato crepes.

(Mole is also great if you do any home canning. A single batch will make about 5 pints. Process pints in a pressure canner with 3/4-inch headspace for 20 minutes.)

Drunken Noodles

The origins of drunken noodles are no longer known. Some people believe that these noodles got their name because they are so spicy that they're impossible to eat without drinking a shitload of beer during the meal. Others contend that the combination of ingredients is so strange that the name came about because only a drunkard would have thrown these things all together. Either way, the combination of sweet, spicy, and salty is deliciously balanced in this classic!


As with the other Thai recipes, some of these ingredients (such as fish sauce, the rice noodles, and Thai peppers) seem pretty exotic, but can all be found at a good Asian grocer. Keycap manis is a type of sweetened, fermented soy sauce. Also, remember Thai and Italian basil are very different. Stick with Thai basil ONLY.

Prep time: 2 cocktails

1/2 of a 14-ounce package wide, flat rice noodles
3 TBSP fish sauce
½ cup keycap manis
2 TBSP soy sauce
1 TBSP cornstarch
1 tsp sugar
3 TBSP vegetable oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
10 Thai chilies, chopped into 1/8‖ thick wheels
1 pound package extra firm tofu, cut into ¾-inch cubes
1-2 cups sliced, mixed vegetables (optional) (you can use tomatoes, carrots, bell pepper, cabbage, zucchini, broccoli, etc.)
½ cup Thai basil leaves, tear biggest ones in half
A handful of peanuts
1 cup bean sprouts
1-2 limes, cut into wedges

Put the noodles into boiling water. Cook until still fairly al dente. Remove, strain, then plunge into an ice bath. After a few minutes in the ice bath, you can re-strain and set aside.

While noodles are cooking, combine fish sauce, keycap manis, soy sauce, cornstarch, and sugar in small bowl. Whisk very well and set aside.

Heat oil in wok or large frying pan over medium-high heat. Once wok is hot, add garlic and chilies. Stirring a couple times, sauté for about 45-60 seconds (but don‘t let garlic brown). Then add sauce mixture and tofu. Stir frequently for 3-4 minutes.

Add noodles and vegetables and cook another 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently.

Stir in Thai basil and peanuts and continue stirring frequently another minute or so. Remove from heat and serve hot with bean sprouts on top and squeeze a few lime wedges over the whole mess.